When I started this blog its original intention was to be a baby blog, to capture those early days of Finn's life when a lack of sleep might make things hard to recall. I saw many mom blogs talk about the concept, and I like being nostalgic so I was in.
Before Finn was even born it became something else, I realized that I was on the precipice of a new era of my life and that one day I might want to recall the previous era along with the Finn era. So many of the early blog posts were about our lives on Laurel Lane or even back in Odessa they very last few years we lived there. Then it became a baby blog, and then a toddler blog, and then today he is a full blown boy.
I am very happy I made this blog. It allowed me to put in writing mindsets and thought processes long since lost, along with the victories and struggles of early parenthood. In my head the last six years feel like a blur and I am very grateful I took the time to record them.
Also in that time I found the therapy to be had in journaling and recording my thoughts. I have always enjoyed having a "current narrative" to talk about with others and its been great to put those down "on paper." Also this blog helped me deal with the loss of Luna. When I came on here to post a post about her final months discovered that a year had gone by since I posted a post of how much I didn't want to lose her I realized how fortunate I was to get that extra time especially during COVID when I was home and could spend time with her. Losing her was tough but I feel like I handled it better than Xena, partially because it wasn't as suddent and partially because of this blog.
On top of that I have enjoyed posts about individual days of victory with Finn, as it has helped me mourn the loss of previous versions of him. It was almost tramatic those first years getting used to a version of him that seemed completely different from the next, only to know the previous version was gone forever. This is finally becoming less the case as he grows up and 4 year old Finn feels a lot like 5 year old Finn, but I know one day I would do anything for just a little more time with 5 year old Finn and the closest thing I will have is this blog. I am sure one day reading it and looking back at the Google Photos of that time will be my favorite activity.
But this blog has also had limits, mostly imposed by myself. First of all I tried to keep it Finn focused, which wasn't always the case but the intent. Also I tried to keep the blog very "clean" as its public. Most of the posts are positive, and I have revealed very little of what I have gone through during these years outside of Finn. My NFT journey, the recent path to my divorce, and more never got documented. I always kept the standard of "what if my mom found and read it" which is going to hold back how I frame things.
As I move into yet another phase of my life and Finn is about to turn six I find myself questioning if this is where I want to continue to express myself. One holdup is I have typed it all which was a huge time commitment. Time well spent for sure, but in the age of AI there has to be a way to just have it be dictated for me. Another issue is that I want to document more than what is positive and what I will freely share with everyone which means a private journal is maybe more appropriate. The final part (and main part) is Finn is about to go to school and when he does its like a whole chapter in his life and my life as a parent ends for good. Unless I have another child, which is unlikely at my age and income, I will never walk those paths again and it feels right to hang it up rather than just fade away.
With all of that said I haven't decided to end the blog yet, its just a thought. Instead this post is about being grateful: grateful I took the time to write all these words, grateful I took the advice to start a baby blog, grateful I will have a time capsule of some of the best years of my life.
No matter if this is the end of this blog, it is the end of a chapter of my life that has defined my adulthood and that is going to take some time to chew on either here or somewhere else. If someone is actually reading this thank you very much for taking the time and for being part of my life. Hopefully we all have a bright future ahead.
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