My postings on this blog have been inconsistent at best. In 2018 and 2019 I kept a good pace, partially to capture the time and partially for a form of therapy. In 2020 as Finn got easier and life opened up I began to post less. My last motivation was how I noticed Luna had aged, and then COVID hit at I dropped this for a year. I made the excuse this was a baby blog and he was no longer a little baby, but really its because of what a year it was.
The COVID year was a crazy experience. We got the virus early on and were sick before anyone else I knew. Those two weeks were terrible, and then I got sick on and off for a month afterwards. At first being home and being locked up felt temporary but crucial, as we didn't want to get sick again. As toilet paper ran out and stores closed suddenly life became more about getting the essentials and getting through the moment more than anything else. But then weeks turned into a month and month became a year. Since Finn was in home daycare he soon was out of the house every day but Lindsey and I stayed back and worked. A new routine worked its way out.
At first it was great, as we got a lot of time together and as the world adjusted I caught up on a few things around the house I wanted to do since we moved in. Then it got worse, as the pressure from the decline in my paycheck and the uncertainly posed by the virus and what working from home meant pushed me to work harder than I ever had before to overcompensate and show everyone I WAS working hard. During this multi-month period I overdid it and eventually Lindsey and me started to fight. I couldn't avoid bringing my work stress home, and we were probably overexposed to each other. By the end of the year when things calmed down some damage had already been done, and then a snowpocalypse at the end of the year period from the start of COVID put us in a rough spot without power or water for certain periods. By this March its felt like both a marathon and a sprint, a special event and a new normal. As it winds down and we go back to work more we will see what the lasting effects are but its been hard to separate the good and the bad even if we survived our own encounter with the virus unlike so many unfortunate people.
Except in one case where a judgement call was easy: the good of being around Luna so much. One of my biggest regrets for working so far from home for years is it never makes sense for me to come home midday and all I ever wanted some days was to give Luna a hug for lunch. Even on my busiest home work days this year I would try to snap out of it and make sure I gave her that hug every day plus some attention and time without Finn. Overall the time me and Lindsey have gotten with Luna in the last year has probably equaled a few other years of her life, a huge bonus for a dog so advanced in years. The part of me that didn't want the quarantine to end mostly centered on this fact, centered on not wanting to move past the moment when she thought we would never abandon her for work again.
In the last few months as Luna has been getting sick and throwing up my caution about her health that I had before the quarantine never came back fully. She would recover and I though that a new food or more meds in the food would save the day yet again. I was used to the idea she was living longer than expected, and I kinda took for granted the time I was given. Then the problem got worse and worse with longer times for recovery. One night in February she was hospitalized and I got a preview of what life without her would be like, and ever since then not a day goes by when I took time with her for granted.
She still is ready to go and wants to be apart of our lives but I have to accept she is close to being gone and really every day she lives is a bonus from this point on. I have been saying my goodbyes so that way I don't fall apart when Lindsey and Finn need me not to, and I have described those efforts in other posts. As part of that process I remembered this blog and wanted to post about the experience to let it out a little. Imagine my surprise when I open it up to see the Part 1 of this post exactly a year ago. That version of me right before quarantine had no idea what was coming, and how on this issue I would be given the greatest gift ever of the most time with Luna it was possible for that version of me to expect. That realization gave me a perspective that will allow me to eventually accept her passing easier. No matter if it happens this week or if the doctors she is with today figure out a way to put more time on the clock I know she has given me more time than I could have dreamed of 8 years ago when she was such a sick puppy. She has outdone all expectations which is probably why our old vet is sick of seeing me.
What is really eating at me is me. Lindsey threw out a concept that I am living "Peak Jonathan" because Finn is a fantastic age for me and I am engaged with so much of what is going on with Finn. I took this two ways: a positive realization that this is a special time with Finn, and a negative fear of "ok when does peak Jon end?" Pondering on the latter question some part of me decided it would possibly happen during the next life event, aka when I moved into a post Luna period.
But I strive to shake those thoughts away. I think four and five year old Finn (and beyond) will be great, and more importantly I don't want to stack on Luna's endlife an unrelated pretend demarcation line. One thing I realize is that I kept stacking on the dog one finish line after another. What if she could survive and be the only of the three dogs to meet our kid? (she did) What if she could survive to catch food off the high chair? (she did and outlived the high chair) What if she could live another year, what if she could get through the first month of COVID, or what if she could survive to see my sister one more time? She did, she did she did. She kept going through every benchmark. Recently Finn has even been very vocal about her, calling for her constantly and being excited when she goes for car rides. I don't know if he will remember her, but he knows her well today which is the last thing I thought I would ask of her.
Unfortunately today I have stacked one more expectation on her: survive until Lindey gets back from her grandad's funeral. Lindsey hasn't had the time to say goodbye like I have, and she hasn't spent a year preparing for this like I have. Luna is her special dog just as much as she is mine, and my final consideration is how to give her the time and space and consideration to let go. For me Luna is immortalized as this positive memory, like an instant smile I will carry in my heart. Once we see her again I will let go of asking of her, and will only care about what she needs to leave this life with conform. She has earned it as she is and will always been my special moon dog.
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