When we got the news that we wouldn't get any real answers until three or four weeks we both were devastated on the spot. Lindsey had already had trouble accepting a three week timetable, and the extra week making it a possible and realistic full month seemed too much to bear. How would we hold it together that long? I knew I would have to step up big-time.
I thought I was ready to do that. Partially because I had been warned by fathers in my life that once a baby was born it would take all my energy to keep Lindsey running to keep the baby running. I have now spent more than a year planning exactly how I could pitch in, how I could take care of her, and how I could either organize things or set things up to make her life easier when it got really hard. This new situation wasn't exactly what I prepared for, but I thought it was close enough that I could manage. Maybe even a practice run of sorts.
When I first got the news my friend who is usually not the most positive person said before anything else "get ready for the hardest month of your life." And I took him seriously, and began working out how we were going to get through it. I decided to give myself a huge mental distraction and positive project by finishing smarthoming our house. For Lindsey I was open to her mom visiting often, which was something that wore down my social battery but was a good distraction for her. Plus her mom helped us big time by getting us some furniture that Lindsey wanted which became another distraction for her.
I have felt bad throughout this entire process because she is taking on most of the burden. From the start she never had an excitement about the pregnancy that I assume carries many women through the process, plus when this situation came up it created a worst case situation for her of a situation where waiting was mandatory. She had to deal with the regular pregnancy ups and downs that men like me never face, plus she had to deal with extra issues on top like the amnio that tested even her resolve.
I knew I needed to find a way to hold together in case it went south early in the pregnancy, so I purposefully held back getting myself exciting until we got back every confirmation that things were ok. I have been excited the entire time about getting excited, about enjoying this special process, but I knew after Xena's death that if I got too emotionally attached I would debilitate myself in case Lindsey needed me. Luckily for me I never had a window during the pregnancy to really lean in and get excited, to get attached. It is like a part of me knew I had a challenge to face so I did my best to hold myself together for that challenge.
To maintain that mindset I simply stopped moving forward in life. Throughout 2018 I have been moving my mental map away from our Laurel Lane life and what I was really into back when we lived there - my Switch, smarthome stuff, random obsessions of curiosity. This year I have been focused on the move, focused on organizing after the move, focused on finding places to walk Luna or future dogs, focused on getting our house put together in the ways we dreamed of right before we left Laurel when we started stockpiling furniture and decorations before the move.
But when we got the news of the month I quick rolled back into my old mindset. I haven't had much time to play Switch games in this month admittedly but I did all I could and would still let thoughts of them occupy my mental space. I have stopped exploring for Luna walking places and have just taken the suboptimal routes that we can reach from our front door, partially because Lindsey didn't have the patience for such excursions and partially because I didn't want to expend the energy looking for them. Finally as I mentioned I went crazy doing all the rest of the big smarthome stuff I had planned in my head way back in 2016 at Laurel Lane, as I saw it as something that would improve our lives no matter what AND keep me anchored in a 2016 mindset somewhat.
Eventually though what I needed to hold myself together wasn't important, keeping Lindsey together was. Here on this last day of the long month I feel like I succeeded but barely. Its been as hard as anything I have done.
I thought I was ready to do that. Partially because I had been warned by fathers in my life that once a baby was born it would take all my energy to keep Lindsey running to keep the baby running. I have now spent more than a year planning exactly how I could pitch in, how I could take care of her, and how I could either organize things or set things up to make her life easier when it got really hard. This new situation wasn't exactly what I prepared for, but I thought it was close enough that I could manage. Maybe even a practice run of sorts.
When I first got the news my friend who is usually not the most positive person said before anything else "get ready for the hardest month of your life." And I took him seriously, and began working out how we were going to get through it. I decided to give myself a huge mental distraction and positive project by finishing smarthoming our house. For Lindsey I was open to her mom visiting often, which was something that wore down my social battery but was a good distraction for her. Plus her mom helped us big time by getting us some furniture that Lindsey wanted which became another distraction for her.
I have felt bad throughout this entire process because she is taking on most of the burden. From the start she never had an excitement about the pregnancy that I assume carries many women through the process, plus when this situation came up it created a worst case situation for her of a situation where waiting was mandatory. She had to deal with the regular pregnancy ups and downs that men like me never face, plus she had to deal with extra issues on top like the amnio that tested even her resolve.
I knew I needed to find a way to hold together in case it went south early in the pregnancy, so I purposefully held back getting myself exciting until we got back every confirmation that things were ok. I have been excited the entire time about getting excited, about enjoying this special process, but I knew after Xena's death that if I got too emotionally attached I would debilitate myself in case Lindsey needed me. Luckily for me I never had a window during the pregnancy to really lean in and get excited, to get attached. It is like a part of me knew I had a challenge to face so I did my best to hold myself together for that challenge.
To maintain that mindset I simply stopped moving forward in life. Throughout 2018 I have been moving my mental map away from our Laurel Lane life and what I was really into back when we lived there - my Switch, smarthome stuff, random obsessions of curiosity. This year I have been focused on the move, focused on organizing after the move, focused on finding places to walk Luna or future dogs, focused on getting our house put together in the ways we dreamed of right before we left Laurel when we started stockpiling furniture and decorations before the move.
But when we got the news of the month I quick rolled back into my old mindset. I haven't had much time to play Switch games in this month admittedly but I did all I could and would still let thoughts of them occupy my mental space. I have stopped exploring for Luna walking places and have just taken the suboptimal routes that we can reach from our front door, partially because Lindsey didn't have the patience for such excursions and partially because I didn't want to expend the energy looking for them. Finally as I mentioned I went crazy doing all the rest of the big smarthome stuff I had planned in my head way back in 2016 at Laurel Lane, as I saw it as something that would improve our lives no matter what AND keep me anchored in a 2016 mindset somewhat.
Eventually though what I needed to hold myself together wasn't important, keeping Lindsey together was. Here on this last day of the long month I feel like I succeeded but barely. Its been as hard as anything I have done.
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